Law School Humor

Here's some background: Lawyers use funny words like "heretofore", "whereas", etc. There is a movement in the profession to eliminate this language. However, a request to the court is still called a "prayer". (This is not meant as any form of sacrilege; it's a holdover from mid-English, meaning a request.)

In my legal writing and research class, we had an open question and answer session in preparation for the final paper. The professor was reminding us that when we write, to avoid legalese. One of my classmates said, "Then, why do we still pray?"

Before the professor could reply, I piped up with, "Because we're going to need all the help we can get on this paper."

I got a good laugh out of the class.

Funny T-shirts

I'm not really much of a t-shirt with sayings kind of person, but I do enjoy a good one now and then. (Jen is the queen of funny shirts. She could probably wear a different one each day for 2-3 weeks before repeating.) Anyway, I haven't bought any new clothes for longer than I can remember. (Most of my stuff comes from thrift stores.)

I saw one online last night that I'm seriously tempted to get. It read: Bad grammar makes me [sic]!

Another one I like that I might get says: Obey gravity. It's the law.

I Think I'm Going to Paint My Car

My car is old. So old, in fact, that if it were a person, it would be old enough to vote. I drive a 1990 Toyota Camry with 255,000 miles on it. It's red, after a fashion. The car has needed a paint job since before I bought it. Every so often, I consider painting it, but I always toss out the idea because I figure the car won't be around much longer anyway. I've finally come to the conclusion that Toyotas are indestructible, so I might as well just do it.

I've been driving for 11 years, and I've had the privilege to drive 13 different vehicles. (This includes rental cars and business fleet cars.) The only car I've ever been pulled over in is my current car, where I've been pulled over 3 times in the past year. I wasn't breaking the law any of the times I was pulled over, and I wasn't ticketed. Unless the East Palo Alto police, the Fremont Police, and the California Highway Patrol are in some sort of conspiracy, it must be something about my car.

So, since my car needs a new paint job anyway, I'm asking you, my readers what color I should paint it.

An Open Letter to the California Highway Patrol

Dear California Highway Patrol,

Your officers have the guns. I understand that- that's why I had to bite my tongue as I was pulled over by one of your finest this evening while minding my own business. So, here it is, in all my sarcastic glory.

First, if you really must pull over a woman who is alone after dark, please find a better location than a dark frontage road off High Street in Oakland. This is a particularly dangerous area of an already dangerous city, an area that I never go to, only through. You claimed that you pulled me over "for my safety". I can see that the irony was lost on you. You had several options. After all, you had been tailgating me since San Leandro. I can only assume that you were beat up by a ninja as a teenager and thus have an aversion to anything Japanese, including my Toyota. Either that, or Santa Claus didn't give you any toys as a child, so you hate the color red.

Second, I know the economy is terrible right now, and people are losing jobs left and right. However, I really was on my way to work. Perhaps you were just annoyed to have to work on a Friday night and decided to give me grief to make yourself feel better. Well, you know what, I have to work on Friday nights, too. We're in the same boat, so let's not hassle one another.

Third, believe it or not, some people really don't drink. I was telling you the truth that I've never had an alcoholic beverage in my life. The strongest I've ever had is NyQuil, and that made me vomit. In fact, drinking is against my religion. Do you want to see my temple recommend to prove it?

Fourth, why would someone pretend to be coming from Fremont? I mean, come on, it's a pretty boring place. I bet you felt rather silly once you saw that the address on my drivers' license did indeed say that I live in Fremont.

Fifth, I've made an important discovery. The U.S. Constitution is like Police Kryptonite. I keep my car registration and proof of insurance inside a free copy provided by Lexis Nexis. Various other organizations provide free copies as well. Thank you for being my test subject. As soon as I brought it out to provide the requested documentation, I could see you freeze. Words like "probable cause" began to ring in your mind. It was entertaining to watch you backpedal while delivering a stern lecture just to save face.

I find it difficult to believe in these troubled times that you don't have some real criminals to harass. I suggest that you expend your efforts to apprehend them instead. That would be a much better way to secure my safety.

Sincerely,
A Taxpayer (i.e. someone who pays your salary)

Word of the Day - Updated

Scene: Legal Writing and Research class

Last night, we were discussing legal analysis, and how to apply rules from multiple cases to a new case. The subject at issue was the importation of "invasive material", which is basically something like Kudzu - a non-native plant or animal that has the potential to choke out native species. In our hypothetical example, the defendant imported a female marsupial mouse.

The professor was trying to get us to think about the issue and he asked how a single mouse could reproduce. People threw out reasonable answers like finding a male marsupial mouse, or finding a male mouse of another variety and cross-breeding. One person blurted out "parthenogenesis!"

We all had a good laugh. I must admit that while I would expect to discuss parthenogenesis in a biology class or in the analysis of a bad science fiction film, I didn't expect to find it in law school.

Update: I just randomly stumbled across a news article stating that a shark in an aquarium in Omaha reproduced by parthenogenesis.