An Open Letter to the California Highway Patrol

Dear California Highway Patrol,

Your officers have the guns. I understand that- that's why I had to bite my tongue as I was pulled over by one of your finest this evening while minding my own business. So, here it is, in all my sarcastic glory.

First, if you really must pull over a woman who is alone after dark, please find a better location than a dark frontage road off High Street in Oakland. This is a particularly dangerous area of an already dangerous city, an area that I never go to, only through. You claimed that you pulled me over "for my safety". I can see that the irony was lost on you. You had several options. After all, you had been tailgating me since San Leandro. I can only assume that you were beat up by a ninja as a teenager and thus have an aversion to anything Japanese, including my Toyota. Either that, or Santa Claus didn't give you any toys as a child, so you hate the color red.

Second, I know the economy is terrible right now, and people are losing jobs left and right. However, I really was on my way to work. Perhaps you were just annoyed to have to work on a Friday night and decided to give me grief to make yourself feel better. Well, you know what, I have to work on Friday nights, too. We're in the same boat, so let's not hassle one another.

Third, believe it or not, some people really don't drink. I was telling you the truth that I've never had an alcoholic beverage in my life. The strongest I've ever had is NyQuil, and that made me vomit. In fact, drinking is against my religion. Do you want to see my temple recommend to prove it?

Fourth, why would someone pretend to be coming from Fremont? I mean, come on, it's a pretty boring place. I bet you felt rather silly once you saw that the address on my drivers' license did indeed say that I live in Fremont.

Fifth, I've made an important discovery. The U.S. Constitution is like Police Kryptonite. I keep my car registration and proof of insurance inside a free copy provided by Lexis Nexis. Various other organizations provide free copies as well. Thank you for being my test subject. As soon as I brought it out to provide the requested documentation, I could see you freeze. Words like "probable cause" began to ring in your mind. It was entertaining to watch you backpedal while delivering a stern lecture just to save face.

I find it difficult to believe in these troubled times that you don't have some real criminals to harass. I suggest that you expend your efforts to apprehend them instead. That would be a much better way to secure my safety.

Sincerely,
A Taxpayer (i.e. someone who pays your salary)