Lost

I've been a bit absent over here because of some stuff in my personal life. I've been keeping it to myself, but what's a blog for if I can't spew my personal thoughts on the internet for anyone to read?

So, here goes.

I'm feeling a bit lost right now. I'm unsatisfied in my job. At first it was just the standard overworked/underpaid thing. I like my co-workers, and until last week, I had the best boss ever. She just retired. I applied for her position, and I didn't get it because my company never promotes internally. (Terrible business practice if you ask me - it ensures that the best talent will leave.) My new boss is a bit of a micromanager, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being micromanaged.

Plus, I've been doing some serious soul-searching, and I'm not really comfortable with the product the company produces. While the product itself has innocuous uses, it also enables very bad people to do very bad things. (And the company actively markets the product to those very bad people, though it doesn't officially condone the very bad things they do with the product.) For a while, I told myself that since I'm not the one writing the code, I'm not responsible. But the thing is, I am. I help find the engineers who write the code, and I support them and try to make their job easier. So I share some of the blame, and it's stuff I don't want on my conscience.

When I first got the job, I didn't know what the product did. I didn't need to; I just answered the phone and made photocopies. I continued that ignorance when I was promoted into human resources. Once again, I didn't really need to know about the product to answer employee questions about medical leave or health insurance. Then, a year or so later, we got bought by Big Defense Contractor. (It's a name you would recognize.) I wondered what Big Defense Contractor would want with a Silicon Valley software company, so I started asking questions. It's true, what they say. Ignorance really is bliss.

I figured I would get out after the bar exam. Then I failed the bar. In January, I decided, bar or no bar, I needed to find another job. I've been looking since then, and I haven't even had a single interview. Over the past few weeks, it's gotten so that I can barely sleep at night. I find myself dreading Monday mornings. And I'm powerless to do anything about it. I can't quit because I have no savings and I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I'm still 4 weeks away from getting my bar exam results. If I pass, it's tempting to just take my chances starting my own law firm. But what if I don't pass the bar?

It's so bad that I'm seriously considering going back to the home health care agency I used to work at. The work was emotionally draining, and the pay was terrible, but at least it was ethical. I'm also considering going back to my old temp agency and answering phones at various places. But that's how I got into this mess in the first place.

I know eventually I want to become a professor, but that's still at least 2-3 years out. I have to find something to do until then. Any ideas?